I haven’t written in so long. I don’t even know where to start.

I had gotten out of a 8 month relationship with a man who never actually caught feelings for me back in July 2017. There was just something missing. He didn’t get excited to see me, ever really. I’m not sure if he was just incapable of those feelings, or if he just never felt them with me. We had a very ‘strict’ relationship in my eyes. He would say it was very ‘Christian’. No spending the night and no fooling around below the belt. Any of you who actually know me, know that was a STRUGGLE. But I did it. Why? Because he was a good human with good values. But, this man would not allow himself to have true feelings for me.

We had been dating for 7.5 months when I went to Mexico with a girlfriend. He was asked by his friends if he was going to miss me at all. His response. ‘She’s only going to be gone for 5 days’. Wrong answer. Regardless, it took me some time to figure it out, but I decided to walk away as I want a man who is head of heels in love with me. And who actually MISSES ME!

So, we broke up. Now, you can imagine what happened once I was free from my abstinent relationship.

Well, I somehow managed to move roughly 1,000 miles from everything I have ever known in May 2019. Just me and the dog. Living the single life in a new state. I knew I was going to move for a solid 6 months before it happened, so I took a break from dating and just focused on myself and my friends. I can’t tell you how many nights I laid in bed binge watching Netflix. NO SHAME.

Once I got settled and all my boxes were unpacked, I started dating in this new state! I’m not getting any younger. No time to waste. Lord, please let my husband be here somewhere!

So, here’s to some new adventures!

I have to take a moment and just complain about online dating. My girlfriends and I have gotten a lot of laughs about this over the last few weeks. We love nothing more than drinking mimosas and exchanging stories about the kind of people that we have the pleasure of encountering in the dating world.

Online dating sucks. There’s no other way to describe it. There are so many factors and red flags that you have to be aware of. If you don’t do online dating right, then you are setting yourself up for an hour or so of awkwardness when you finally agree to meet the person that you’ve been chatting up for the last few days. And let me tell you, there is nothing worse than being let down on a first date. I have come up with a few rules to consider before meeting someone in person.

1. All his pictures are selfies: This is an issue for  couple of reasons. He’s either obsessed with himself (gym selfies for days) or he doesn’t have a lot/good friends. Or if all the pictures are of his face, then he is probably self conscious. Of course people say, “Why would you put your friends in pictures with you? That might confuse them of which one you actually are.” False. I have 2-3 pictures with friends. This shows people what I look like in relation to others and that I actually go out and do stuff with friends. Same factors apply to women. Women are camera gypsies. We will take 100 photos at various angles and choose the one that makes us look best. Why do you think we have so many selfies on our phones?
2. All his pictures are group photos: If he decides to put up all group photos, you have to go by the most unattractive one in the picture. Sad to say, but true. If they aren’t smart enough to put one photo of just them, or descriptions in the photo to explain who they are, then you have to assume that any of the people in that photo could be him. Now, some of us are really good at picking them out of the crowd. You can go through them all and try to find the common denominator. I think it’s actually an impressive skill to have! However, ain’t no body got time for that.
3.  There’s no information on his profile: Chances are if there is absolutely no information on his profile, he’s probably just as boring in person. When the “About Me” section says “ask me” I just roll my eyes and move on to the next profile. There’s absolutely nothing for me to go off other than your pictures. And when you have one picture of your dirt bike and one picture of your cat… chances are I’m not going to write you back. How would anyone write you back?! Also, your username is a bunch of numbers? What the heck? So stop writing me because I’m not going to change my mind. 
4. There’s so much information on his profile it’s like reading a novel: There’s a fine line between enough information and too much information. I recently read a profile that really caught me off guard. This guy was telling me all the things he was not. I found it completely unattractive. It was like he was bitching about all women. 
   Dude, you sound like a freakin’ catch! NOT! After reading that.. I’m definitely not interested in you. Red flag. This man has some issues.
5. Snapchat and Facebook are your friend: When you get to the point where you two have agreed to exchange numbers and text, adding them as a snapchat/facebook friend is always a good idea as well. Snapchat ensures that you get REAL and up to date photos of the person you are talking to. Facebook stalking is always ideal as well. You get to see more than just the best pictures that people have put on their profiles. In return, they get to look at all of your pictures too. Win-Win. 

Bottom line — No one wants to be catfished. You are who you are. So why deceive others into thinking you look a different way? Because when they show up to meet you their mind is going to change because you’re the most honest, fantastic person they’ve ever met!? FALSE! You just lied to them for the past few days about who you are and what you actually look like. And for the record, whether you are going to admit it to yourself or not, physical attraction to someone TOTALLY matters. Everyone has their own ‘type’. So own what you got! Someone will like you for you! Do you want to be with someone who makes your jaw drop? Who makes you think that you are the pretties and luckiest person in the world because of how they make you feel and the way they treat you? I don’t deceive others. You either like me or you don’t. You either are attracted to me or you aren’t. If only everyone operated that way.

Rant Over.

The One With Sunday Funday

I had been talking to this guy on Match.com for a few weeks. Seemed to be a busy guy and wasn’t overly chatty. He was 32, working in medical sales, and really handsome in his pictures. One Sunday he asked if I wanted to go to his apartment complex and hang out by the pool/grill up some food. Now, given the fact that I am extremely self-conscious, especially in bathing suits, I can’t believe I agreed to this. This was our first meeting.

I drove over to his place and he met me out front. Very good looking guy. He let me park in his parking garage since there was no spot for me on the street. His garage was gated so he had to let me in. This also meant that he had to let me out.

He walks me up to his apartment where I meet his roommate and his little Italian Greyhound. Next thing I noticed was little puppy training pads everywhere. I discretely asked how old his pup was. She was 6yrs old. Why the heck did this dog need so many training pads? Here’s my thought—if you want a dog, be sure you are capable to bring it outside to go to the bathroom. It’s disgusting to leave used training pads all over the house. You knew I was coming over, do you use these all the time? Poor pup. Isn’t brought outside to pee. Sure, if you are working 10 hour days and you think your dog might have an accident, I get it. But daily use?! When you’re home?! It’s the weekend for goodness sake!

We proceeded to walk out to the apartment pool. It was a very nice pool. He introduced me to his friends who were there, handed me a beer and then sat down. The weird thing was, he didn’t sit down next to me. He probably sat the farthest away from me he possibly could. I got to know his friends really well! I could tell you everything about his friend, Katie. Where she’s from, what she’s studying in school, what she does for work, her hobbies, her views on some controversial tops… But I knew nothing about him. What the heck? I came over to hang out with you dude. He jokingly asked his friends if he was being a good host and they all said, “No!!” So he laughed and then got up to come sit next to me.

We talked for a minute and then he proceeded to turn his entire body and talk to someone else behind him. Is he not into me? Finally, I grew the balls to ask him if he wanted me to leave. Because honestly, it was like he didn’t want me there. And if he wasn’t into me, that’s fine, I will gladly leave then endure this shit any longer. He told me that he didn’t want me to leave and then he apologized. Well, alright. I guess that’s settled. I decided to give him a chance to redeem himself.

Let me remind you that I am 100% uncomfortable in this entire situation because I am sitting in a bathing suit in front of strangers. And the person that I am supposed to be hanging out with me has been ignoring me for the last 2 hours. He asked me to go to over to the hot tub with him. Once we were there, he found the only person he knew in the near vicinity and started talking to them instead. Alright, I’m over this.

I kindly told him that I had to get home and get some things taken care of before the week started. Let me remind you, I couldn’t just leave, he had to let me out of his garage. So he walked me to my car and asked me if I was ok being I was being quiet. I kind of tore into him for the fact that he invited me over and then proceeded to ignore me the entire time. You’re on a dating site, which you pay for, and you don’t even care to get to know the girl you invited over? That’s just so strange to me. What’s the point then? Obviously I got along with your friends just fine, but you don’t even know my last name.

Regardless, I hugged him goodbye and wasn’t even slightly disappointed that I wasn’t going to see him again.

NEXT!

It was Thursday night and I had just finished my date with the Collegiate Wrestler. I had been talking to this guy for a while who happened to have the same name as one of the lead characters in Game of Thrones. Here’s the kicker, I had never seen Game of Thrones at the time. So I really had no connection to the name like the rest of the world apparently does.

Anyways, he had asked me to come meet him once he got off work to grab a beer. Sounded good to me! Meeting for a drink is way easier than a meal. Let me give you some background: blonde, ex-military, rugby player, currently in school trying to make something of himself. I’ll take it. I have a thing with military men. And rugby guys. Usually because they are so manly. I meet this guy— not what I was anticipating. Yes, he looked like his pictures. No, I wouldn’t classify him as manly. He was cute, but I was definitely bigger than this kid. Which is embarrassing on some level because I’m only 5’4. Lets just say my thigh was the size of his waist. I also can’t forget to tell you that, for whatever reason, Friday is “No Pants Friday” in his world. So, he was in a kilt. Not even kidding. Is that shit authentic? Is this a joke? What are you wearing under there? Alright– I’ll roll with it.

Just so happened that World of Beer was playing Irish music that night. Maybe he won’t stick out like a sore thumb? The waitress came over and got our IDs and his credit card. When she came back to the table she said something along the lines of, “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe this is really your name! Is this really your name?” No waitress lady, that’s not his name—he just wanted to get new credit cards, IDs and social security card just to have a ‘famous’ name from a TV show. Again, apparently this is a big deal in the Game of Thrones world. I didn’t care. A couple minutes later this woman who was in the Irish band that was preforming came up and asked him what clan he was a part of. Really? What clan he is a part of? I’m pretty sure Snow isn’t Irish. Just saying. It’s English actually (yes I just looked it up). He put on this fake Irish accent and started talking to her. Mmm what? Since when do you have an Irish accent? All I could do was sit there and drink my beer so I wouldn’t laugh. This dude just kept getting weirder.

I tried to keep the conversation going for a while, but eventually I pulled the ‘I have to work in the morning card’. It was the truth, I had to be up at 4:45ish to start my day. He walked me to my car and I could tell he wanted to kiss me. Oh god, how am I going to get out of this one? He came in for the hug/slash kissed goodbye and I dodged him. Whew, that was close. He said he wanted to see me again and all the jazz. Ok, cool. Sure.

I got in my car and started driving home. What was I thinking? I don’t want to see this kid again! Not my type. The next morning he texted me asking when he could see me again. I was honest with him and told him that he is a really nice guy but just isn’t my type. I also said, I am more than willing to hang out again but I didn’t see it going anywhere beyond friends. He responded that I wasn’t giving him a chance and that who knew what it would develop into. Of course, he is right on that front. HOWEVER, I have definitely gone out with amazing, wholesome men before that I wasn’t physically/sexually attracted to. And I learned that attraction like that doesn’t “grow”. It has to be there. Anyways, he was crushed. I never heard from him again. But he still sends me snapchats. Awkward. 

NEXT!